Event Horizon

Let me take you on a journey to a place you may not have visited for some time. Think of this place like a cave, but not one of those caves you see advertised all over the southwest to attract tourists. My biggest problem with those kinds of caves, by the way, is not the ridiculous marketing involved, or the fact that the group in your tour is always obnoxious. It’s how the guide acts like it’s his or her job to sell the concept of a cave to you, or worse, the story of a poverty-stricken lad turned spelunker extraordinaire. I mean, I am sure it is a great story, but I go to a cave for the same reason I go to the Grand Canyon, or any other natural phenomenon for that matter, it is art painted by God, and I want to enjoy it. Spend money on lighting the stupid thing correctly, play some classical music, and I’m good. Anyway, I digress. If you’re picturing a cool cave, stop it, or better yet, pretend you’re the poverty-stricken lad turned spelunker extraordinaire. You’re crawling through this pitch black tunnel, barely big enough for you to squeeze yourself through with only a light on your helmet to make sure you don’t impale yourself or fall to your death. Suddenly the tunnel opens into a vast space, but for some reason, whenever you enter the space, your light goes out. No, this isn’t a stupid horror movie with cave monsters, but there is something in the cave. You just have no idea what it is or how to figure out what it is. There is some barrier at the entrance to the cave that bars the shedding of light on any part of this space. Okay, that’s your imagery for the remainder of the blog, so place it daintily in your hippocampus and don’t touch it.

Now, I imagine there are several questions revolving around the scenario, so I will focus on several preliminary ones and the move on to the eventuality, which will hopefully also be a question. The most obvious question is what is the cave? I’m going to skip that one for now because it will be apparent with the answer to the second question; what is in the cave? And moving on, what does it take to genuinely forgive someone?

….sorry, I was waiting until I saw enough light bulbs go on. Also, just so you know, my mind skips like a vinyl sometimes, so if you ever get pissed off while having a conversation with me, feel free to punch me in the shoulder and tell me to focus. No, that doesn’t mean I advocate violence against record players or any other old media; they should be revered for their wisdom. Back to the matter at hand. I feel like we could all use a lesson in forgiveness, not only because it is potentially nigh impossible to accomplish, but also because it is downplayed far too much in our lives. We hear all around us that we are unique and special. We hear that we deserve things to make us feel unique and special. We hear that if people don’t like us for who we are, we should just say, “Screw ‘em,” and ignore whatever they say. Well here’s the issue with that; if you are behind that person in line at the grocery store a year later and overhear that they are five bucks short and can’t pay, how likely are you to give them a hand? Probably about the same likelihood that you’ll lend them the five dollars (see what I did there?). I would like to think I am a generally nice guy, and you know what? If it happened the same day a few hours apart, it would probably be fresh enough in my head that I could consciously forgive the person and help them. That’s not the issue I’m talking about. I’m talking about the caves in our hearts, those instances we have forgotten. Unfortunately, they do not just go away; they weigh us down and believe me, they are heavy. Even if you want to take the stance of, “Erik, I’m pretty sure that in 20 years, I won’t care anymore and I’d be able to treat that person just fine,” I still have three bones to pick with you. First off, your grammar is poor and you shouldn’t settle for just treating someone “fine.” Secondly, depending on what the circumstance was, I call shenanigans and say that we humans are very capable of harboring hostility for decades. Last, and most importantly, my illustration is as literal as it is…illustrative. There is a hole bored into your heart and mind when you bury those situations. That hole is not only a part of your heart that you can’t use proactively, but also a brick in an ever-growing wall between you and others with whom you have and wish to have healthy(ish) relationships. If there’s any other reasons for harboring enmity that you’d like me to shoot down, feel free to inquire within. I must press on.

So if we assume that this is actually a problem (I’m sick of math classes barging in on the way I think, but at the risk of alienating any of you any further, I’ll allow it this one time), how can we go about forgiveness? Well one thing I would suggest, and I apologize if I beat this horse to death and then beat its identical twin brother to death with the recently deceased, is communication. If I have a scoreboard at the end of my life for how many novel ideas I have, most of the points will be for this suggestion because most people will ignore it and still be shocked to find later in life that it actually works. But let us, again, continue our assumptions and say that you have told said offender what happened and he or she either did not apologize, or you are still not satisfied with their apology. I am also going to lump, person-I’ll-never-see-again into this category. If the case follows one of those rules, the burden falls to you. If he or she just didn’t apologize, then you need to make the realization that you may not have the influence necessary to change him or her. Be sad for that fact and do your best to continue to love the person. You may change him or her, you may not, but harboring anger is not worth the cost of happiness and love. Which brings me to the other category, there is something wrong with you. Just kidding, but seriously, not all offenses continue to barrage us because of the other person’s attitude. In fact, I would argue a majority of latent ill will is due to our inability to forgive ourselves or personally deal with the issue. Because these issues are most likely very specific, there is no way for me to give advice on how to deal with them all, but I will at least say a couple things. Looking at another example, someone in passing says he or she could never see him or herself with someone who was overweight. Unbeknownst to him or her, you are very self-conscious about your weight and henceforth cannot stand to be around the person. You forget about it entirely over the next couple years and maybe even move away, but in every subsequent relationship that you have, you can’t help but have a nagging feeling in the back of your mind like this person, whom you may even love and who loves you back, doesn’t find you attractive. What do you do when you don’t even realize what the problem is? To borrow a quote from my professor (no, computer science, actually, before you ask), “Focus on what you know and use it to figure out what you don’t know.” Application: we know what love looks like, no matter if it is romantic or not. We have a perfect illustration of love shown to us in the person of Jesus Christ. Use it. Compare the way in which you feel to how Jesus acted. Why do you not trust this person that loves you when they say that you are attractive? Love always trusts and is always honest. Trace that feeling of inadequacy or fear back. I believe that there is no issue in our lives the cause of which is truly lost to us. When you arrive at the root, above all, do not let it slip away again. Don’t push it back down and whenever it hits you, force yourself to hit right back. Tell the original person who caused it that you’re sorry for basing your image of them on one specific event, out loud or in your head. I know it seems stupid, but it really does help. Then tell yourself that you forgive yourself. Then ask God to take whatever it is away. Rinse. Dry. Repeat. It sounds like something off a shrink’s couch, I know, and for some issues, it’s not necessary, but I know I’ve had to actually do this for something at least once, so I know other people do too. Be consistent and determined in the pursuit of forgiveness and you won’t fail. That’s the bottom line. And I’m not preaching here for the record, nor do I profess aptitude. I suck at forgiving myself and this was cathartic for me as I wrote it, hence the franticness of the last bit there. Anyway, I hope somebody somewhere actually is able to benefit as well. If not, hopefully when Google takes over the world, it will remember my blog and be a more forgiving overlord. Peace.